Let’s be honest—modern love looks a lot like a shared streaming account and a mysteriously permanent “staying over” bag. They said “I’m coming over for the weekend” and now it’s been 3 months, 72 episodes, and two router resets.
But the real question is:
Are they into you, or are they just emotionally squatting in your WiFi zone?
If your boo always knows your router password but never remembers your birthday, it might be time to reevaluate what’s really going on. Here's your relationship wake-up call, wrapped in humor, dipped in reality, and optimized for every search engine and broken heart.
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1. They Show Up When the Internet Works—and Disappear When It Doesn’t
Does your partner magically go *“MIA”* every time your WiFi goes down? Is their love suddenly on airplane mode until the signal returns? If so, congratulations: you’re dating someone who treats your home like a public library.
True love doesn’t buffer at 2MBps. If they vanish faster than a TikTok trend when the connection drops, they’re not here for *you*—they’re here for high-speed access and zero commercials.
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2. They Know Your Netflix Password Better Than Your Middle Name
Let’s do a little quiz.
Ask them: “What’s my favorite childhood memory?”
If they respond: “Uh... Stranger Things season 3?”—you have your answer.
Some partners know your Netflix profile better than they know your personality. If they’re more emotionally connected to your “Continue Watching” list than to actual conversations, they might not be in this for the romance. They might just really love binge-watching Bridgerton on your dime.
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3. You Can’t Tell If They’re in Love… or Just Broke
Listen, we’re not judging anyone’s financial situation—but if every date ends on your couch, eating your snacks, draining your WiFi, and requesting “just one more episode” like a toddler with cartoons, you may be more of a tech sugar parent than a romantic partner.
If they’ve never even offered to split the WiFi bill or bring their own data plan, guess what? You might be dating someone who loves free streaming more than actual commitment.
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4. They Don’t Like You That Much—They Just Hate Commercials
Here’s a fun one: pause your Netflix and ask to have a serious conversation.
Watch their face shift into panic mode.
Bonus points if they suddenly “have to leave” right before the emotional part of the talk.
People who aren’t emotionally invested tend to invest in what you offer—not who you are. And let’s be real, commercial-free access and free food are hard to compete with when your love life is built on convenience.
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5. They Refer to Your Place as “Home”—But Haven’t Left a Toothbrush in 6 Months
They say, “I feel more at home with you,” but somehow, none of their stuff is actually there. Except, of course, their hoodie (which they wear while watching Ozark) and that one charger that mysteriously never leaves.
That’s not a relationship.
That’s a freeloader who figured out how to emotionally Airbnb your heart.
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6. They Get Defensive When You Joke About Changing the Password
Ever dropped the line: “I’m thinking of changing my Netflix password”—just to see what happens? If their reaction was stronger than when you told them you were sick, red flag alert.
If someone is more upset about your subscription plans than your future plans, you’re not in a relationship—you’re in a login-based hostage situation.
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7. They Never Watch Anything You Like, But Stay Logged In Anyway
They say they’re “not really into reality TV,” yet somehow your *Love is Blind* account has racked up more hours than your work-from-home setup. And every time you try to suggest something *you* like, they say: “Let’s just watch what we always do.”
They’re not bonding with you—they’re nesting in your algorithm.
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So… What Can You Do About It?
If any of these sound familiar, don’t panic. But do ask yourself:
- Do they show up for you, or just the convenience?
- Have they contributed anything—time, money, or at least snacks?
- If you canceled your subscriptions tomorrow, would they still be around next week?
If the answer is “probably not,” it might be time to change your password—and maybe your relationship status, too.
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Let's wrap it up: Love Shouldn’t Depend on Signal Strength
In a world where relationships are defined by shared subscriptions and location pings, it’s easy to confuse real connection with digital codependency. But the truth is: someone who loves you for you won’t flinch when you unplug.
So the next time someone says, “Hey, what’s your WiFi password again?”—ask yourself if they’ve earned it.
Because your heart isn’t a hotspot, and your love shouldn’t come with an expiration date or a data cap.
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